I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
