Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
