can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize