she looked like the before picture.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
