Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
