Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
