You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
