Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
