I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
