Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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