My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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