This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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