While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
