He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
