last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
