if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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