Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
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I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
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Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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