Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
