this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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