my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
