i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.