Umm I'm too high to move.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush