Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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