I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Randomize
