i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
