i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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