So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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