I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
