Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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