don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
