i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
