Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My butt remains clenched, sir.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
