But do you think a lot of ppl use facebook as a masturbation supplement to porn?
Let me make clear that I am not a facebook masturbator
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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