I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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