Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
it's like heaven, but drunker
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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