I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
