I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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