As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm just crazy horny about you
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
