giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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