I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
