I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
