If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
