If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
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Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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