yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Randomize
