dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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