If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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