He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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