When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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