ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
