I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
