I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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