Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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