I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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