My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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