the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
