We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
