My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
