She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
