Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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