my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
