my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
