if i can run in heels then i can drive
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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