I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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